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THE FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS board on the parenting website I used to frequent was going off.
“HellfireMom32” was apoplectic because her SIL (sister-in-law) had announced that kids were not invited to the wedding.
Outrage, objections, skin and hair went flying.
Who did she think she was? Bridezilla for sure.
Kids are family. The day just wouldn’t be the same without them! Refuse to go!
I was there purely for the answers. No one in my family was planning on tying the knot any time soon, and at the time, my baby was a teeny tiny dinky newborn. The perfect size to bring anywhere. I was pretty confident, should I have found myself in that tricky situation, I could have smuggled him in no problem.
A decade or so ago, excluding small kids from family get-togethers was a relatively new practice. Times had moved on, and we were no longer adherents to the “children should be seen and not heard” mindset — an ancient English saying dating back to the 15th century.
These days, people have become more, shall we say, inured to child-free spaces, even if they don’t necessarily agree with the concept, or feel it’s just as handy to bring the kids along. The inconvenience of rustling up babysitters at the last minute springs to mind.
Personally, as long as it isn’t my child hitting Mariah Carey decibels and/or I don’t have to tend to any child-related face-offs, I’m happy to have them present at any function.
Could it be argued that this paradigm shift is a case of people becoming more outspoken in their requests to leave the kids at home so they can enjoy themselves without (a) stressing that Johnny Junior might overhear something unsuitable, (b) being able to relax without having to keep a constant eye on Little Linda so she doesn’t get hold of an unsupervised G&T thinking it’s sparkling water, or (c) grabbing the opportunity to let their hair down without worrying that the kids have witnessed it.
Of course, there are some venues and occasions that are unsuitable for small children and where they absolutely should not be present.
But dare I go out on a limb and suggest perhaps the pushback against children in adult spaces is more about discouraging those parents who allow their kids to run riot, rather than a direct and blatant exclusion of kids?
For all the chatter around kids not being welcome at family weddings, certain holiday resorts, cafés and even holiday flights, it isn’t something I have experienced. We had, at the time, four kids under six. With zero interest and even less motivation to board a plane, destination anywhere, with that many small humans, I was always going to be spared any recriminating glances.
Plus, we were never going to impose on parents who had emerged from their own childcare trenches.
One of the people I spoke to for feedback on holidaying with young primary school charges and small babies was my sister. Just back from her first family break away with her husband and seven-month-old baby girl, I was stressed for them…
How was this going to work with a highly inquisitive child who didn’t take too kindly to sitting still? What would the trip to Cork airport be like? What would the plane be like?
I’d heard horror stories about the air pressure playing havoc on tiny eardrums.
Would the buggy arrive safely? How would they manage bottles and formula and sterilisers and travel cots, and would it be blisteringly hot in Lanzarote?
The first video was of my niece having great fun with some kind of fidget spinner stuck to the seat in front of her. Smiling her little head off, there wasn’t a bother on her.
I did forget my sister and her husband were seasoned travellers. Both of them are also a bit too fond of spreadsheets for my liking, but it looked as if their meticulous planning weeks in advance was now paying dividends. They were taking it all in their stride.
They went so far as to say the service was excellent everywhere they went because they had a baby with them.
“Nowhere turned us away for having a baby if we just showed up. If anything, they were nearly delighted to see us. It was odd. I wasn’t expecting to receive the treatment we got. It was like we were VIP customers because we were travelling with a baby.”
The other families also had marvellous things to relay, and it was unanimously agreed that holidays abroad with kids are usually great. In fact, it was reported that the only time they met with resistance was on the plane. Irish people, apparently, weren’t impressed with being in close proximity to babies or very young children.
One mam and dad who are frequent fliers to Germany with their five-year-old and hardy toddler did say they favour places that cater for families, actively avoiding hotels because it is hard to keep kids quiet at certain times.
“But that said, we have a very close eye on the kids that they’re behaving.”
Another parent of three was in agreement, adding she steers clear of anywhere solo travellers or couples frequent. “I wouldn’t go anywhere that wasn’t centred around kids or child-focused.”
However, all were very mindful of their kids potentially kicking off in restaurants and disturbing other diners, so there was a bit of careful planning there, around naps, feeds, etc and making sure to bring toys and extra snacks to keep the older ones occupied.
No one likes to be in the presence of unruly children, even if they are on holiday and are just letting off steam. But neither is it realistic nor fair to expect a young child to know how to behave in a restaurant or cinema if they are infrequent visitors.
We have to start somewhere, and perhaps that is when they are small and grow up quietly accustomed to and confident in adult spaces.
Gwen Loughman is gatekeeper of four boys, one husband and watcher over two dogs.
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