Sign in. It’s quick, free and it’s up to you.
An account is an optional way to support the work we do. Find out more.
IN IRELAND, ROUGHLY two in five people celebrate Valentine’s Day. 58% of the men who celebrate the day, give their Valentines a bunch of flowers. For most couples, roses symbolise love.
But this Valentine’s, a shop which appeared on Grafton Street highlighted how flowers can represent something else. If you were walking down the Dublin street, you may have noticed a flower shop, with a difference. Inside, there were stunning bouquets and displays of flowers which represented love in a very different way.
Every flower on display represented the life of a woman, who had died as a result of male violence. The names of women — friends, daughters, sisters, wives and mothers — hung on stems alongside a number — the age when their lives were ended.
As men seeking flowers for their loved ones, walked into the shop, they were confronted with the reality that all of us men face, men ignoring male violence.
TV, films and stories often depict violence against women as strange, unknown perpetrators. The reality is that most women are killed by men they know. Recent research led by the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI) found that women were killed by a current or former intimate partner in over half of Irish cases (56%) from 2012 to 2023. Since 2020, as a recent Journal Investigates report revealed, 37 women have been violently killed in Ireland since 2020.
Death is the unnecessary and unacceptable outcome of violence against women.
Violence is the unnecessary and unacceptable outcome of a culture of sexism.
Sexism is the unnecessary and unacceptable silence of us men, not calling it out, and allowing it.
Since 2021, reports of domestic violence to the Gardaí have increased by around 10% every year. In 2024, over 65,000 incidents of violence in a home were reported — that’s 1,250 recorded incidents every week. Over Christmas week, the violence increased, with 1,600 people reporting an incident in the home.
There are thousands of other incidents that are not reported, often as a result of how we accept the culture of male abuse towards women. Research from the European Union Fundamental Rights Agency (FRA), revealed that 35% of women in Ireland, more than 1 in 3, have now experienced psychological, physical and/or sexual abuse from an intimate partner, showing just how many people are directly impacted by the issue. 15.7% of women in Ireland have experienced repeated violence.
It is often stated that “not all men” are sexist, violent or abusive. This is true.
However, a small minority of noisy men are presenting a narrow version of manhood, built on control, power and dominance over others, particularly women and children, but also other men.
Despite most men rejecting this, our silence about sexism and male violence, allows this small group to set the agenda, which permits the ongoing abuse of others.
Research in Ireland, conducted in November 2024, shows that 9% of men believe that “men should use violence to get respect if necessary,” 12% of men agree that “real men shouldn’t have to care about women’s opinions or feelings,” and 13% of men argue that “men who don’t dominate in their relationships aren’t real men.” Roughly 5% of men living in Ireland today agree with all three of these statements.
However, 68% of men fundamentally disagree with all of these views. Often the problem is that when we hear banter, jokes or stories about “the ball and chain,” or “her place is in the kitchen,” we fail to call out the ‘humour’ for what it is — an underlying belief held by the jester that women are less than men.
Only one in ten men (11%) believe men should stay silent when they witness sexist behaviour. Three out of every four men (76%) believe men should speak up about sexist behaviour, even if it’s uncomfortable. 61% believe “a man who stays silent when witnessing discrimination against women is complicit in it,” and despite a global narrative about “toxic masculinity,” 69% say “men should actively advocate for women’s equality.”
This is not a woke-bro perspective, it is the views of “not all men,” but the majority of Irish men. While many young adults are being influenced online with more harmful views of manhood, the “boys will be boys” perspective is not being accepted by most with 74% of men in Ireland agreeing that “if a man sees another man acting aggressively toward a woman, he should intervene,” and 59% agreeing that men should be involved in conversations about gender equality — that it is not just a women’s issue.
So how do we convert these attitudes into actions, in order to reduce harm against women and children?
Most lads believe in fairness and respect, but ideas of masculinity can get in the way. Being tough, never showing emotions, or always being the provider – these are pressures, not rules. Real strength comes from being open, honest, and standing by your values. Are you acting in a way that feels right to you, or just following old expectations? If something feels off, learn from it and move forward.
Everyday sexism – from dodgy jokes to ignoring bad behaviour – helps create a culture where disrespect thrives. No need for arguments or patronising lectures, but small actions matter. If someone makes a comment, ask, “What do you mean by that?” If you see someone uncomfortable in a situation, step in – even a small distraction or check-in can make a difference. The more we question harmful ideas, the less power they have.
At the same time, women don’t need rescuing – they need partners and allies. That means listening, respecting their experiences and amplifying their voices. If a woman shares something difficult, it is too easy for us to jump in with solutions – just listen and ask how you can support her.
At home, doing our fair share of housework and caregiving makes a difference. Role-modelling this to our sons or with the lads makes an impact.
How you act sets the tone for others – in your family, at work, and with mates. By showing respect and standing up for what’s right, you create a ripple effect.
Want to do more? Support and become an ally of organisations working to end violence against women. You don’t have to do everything – just start somewhere. Run a marathon with Women’s Aid, join the Men’s Network White Ribbon campaign, or simply call out the guy who you don’t agree with. Whenever you see problematic behaviour or attitudes towards women, you have the choice to stand up and speak out.
Lastly, support services are available. The Male Advice Line is a free phone service for men who have been impacted by domestic violence and abuse, and Women’s Aid provides support and information to women and their children who are being physically, emotionally and sexually abused in their own homes.
Finian Murphy is a Researcher and Strategist focused on public sentiment, culture and communities.
have your say